Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Insomnia Stinks (or...what have ewe done for me lately...)

I can't sleep....


This is starting to turn into some kind of bad habit.  What the hell?  For about the 4th night out of the last 6 or so, I can't seem to fall asleep before 3am.

I've tried everything...no coffee, no caffeine of any sort (including chocolate), no late night work outs (yeah...wasn't too hard to give up that little gem)...warm milk...counting sheep....counting bills...ignoring my bills...back to the sheep...deep breathing (which is totally different than heavy breathing)....and nothing.

It's past midnight...I have to be up by 4am...and I am Wide.  Freakin.  Awake. 

I keep racking my brain, trying to figure out if there's a reason for my restlessness.  Which then, of course, starts me thinking that I'm thinking too much, which is now the cause for my sleeplessness.  Great!  Now not only can I not sleep, but I just thought myself into a migraine.

According to my dear friends at Wikipedia...some of the psychological effects of sleep deprivation include aching muscles, tremors, irritability, slow word recall, yawning and memory lapses.  Well shoot!  At this point, I've apparently been sleep deprived for the last 6 years of my life!

Do you remember when, as a child, your parents tried to put you down for a nap?  I remember that nap time was about the absolute worst part of the day!  I mean...why should I have to go to sleep when there was just so much playing to be done outside??  I'm trying to petition Congress for the mandatory mid-day work nap.  Think about how lovely that would be...right after lunch, middle of the day, just take out your little mat, curl up with some milk and cookies and take a nice little hour long snooze.  So far I'm making as much progress with this idea as I am with my 4-day work week petition, but I shall fight on.

More interesting facts from my good friends at Wikipedia, apparently researchers in New Zealand and Australia found that sleep deprivation has the same effects as being drunk.  Well now why didn't someone tell me this a long time ago?  Do you know how much money I could've saved by NOT going to the bar???  17 to 19 hours of straight "awakeness" and I'd be halfway into happy hour mode without ever taking a sip!!!

And before you ask, no, I haven't tried sleeping pills.  I actually have a sort-of irrational fear about them.  I don't know what it is, but I truly believe that if I start taking sleeping pills then I'm going to get all crazy dependent on them.  It starts with just one or two at night..and then I'll start popping them in the middle of the day to catch that mid-afternoon nap high...next thing you know I'll be taking a few with meals to avoid bad conversation...and pretty soon I won't be able to get out of bed at all...I'll just be laying around hitting the sleepy pills all day.  Family decides I need an intervention, then I'll end up in rehab with some celebrity and wind up on some horrible made-for-cable reality show.  It could happen...y'know....

Actually, there is a strange calmness about still being awake this late into the night (or early into the morning...however you'd like to look at it).  The noise of the city starts to lessen, the stars become a little clearer, and there's a moment when you actually begin to think that all can be made right with the world...even after you realize it's because three quarters of the population is out cold.  And then there's that.....moment......when the sun starts to make its move over the horizon...the sky starts to lighten, the starts begin to fade, the city comes alive again and it's the beginning of a new day.  It really is a beautiful sight to behold.

Yes, it's a beautiful sight. 

But so help me...if I'm still awake and see that sun come up this morning...I'm gonna chuck those sheep right off the edge of a cliff and go buy me a box of sleeping pills anyway.

Pleasant dreams y'all!