Is It Time For You To Make A Sober Decision (Day 976)

I met a friend for lunch the other day.  Since it was a warm and almost spring-like day, we decided to enjoy the outdoor seating area and bask in the sun.

Once seated, the server asked for our drink order.  My friend ordered a glass of white wine and I requested sparkling water; no different than the last time we were at lunch. Chatting and laughing when the drinks arrived, as soon as the server left my companion instantly grew quiet.  I waited.  She looked at both glasses on the table, then up at me and almost meekly asked, "how did you quit drinking?  Because I've tried and tried and I just can't stop!"

My heart ached for my friend for a moment, because I knew the next words out of my mouth were not going to be what she wanted to hear.  I didn't even know if she would really hear them.  The way she asked the question already spoke volumes about her relationship with alcohol.  She already knew she had a problem, and she wanted me to tell her there was an easy way out.

"You just stop drinking."

I waited for The Look.  The "I can't do that" look.  Followed by the slightly shocked, "Oh, I could NEVER give up my glass of wine each night," statement.  Words said with almost a touch of pity in them.  Pity that I can't enjoy a cold beer, or a lovely cabernet sauvignon.  That there must be something wrong with me, because that's just not the right answer.  There has to be an easier way!

There isn't.

You have to be honest with yourself first, or nothing after this is going to matter.  If you're not ready to quit, you won't.  Because when you quit, you quit.  All together.  Cold turkey.  There are no cheat days,  no "only on weekends".  There is just you making a decision - do you want to drink, or do you not. (did Yoda say that in a movie somewhere...???). 

Say this aloud, and I mean loudly: "I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ALCOHOL, SO I NEED TO QUIT DRINKING.  I NEED TO QUIT DRINKING!!!"

Now, do you?

If so, you start today.  TODAY!!!

You get all the booze out of the house.  ALL OF IT (even that $150 bottle you brought home from Napa for that special occasion).

You build your support system.  You tell your friends so they don't hassle you (nor should they...what kind of friends are they really if they're pushing you to do something you don't want to....) and help hold you accountable.  If you're a social media junky, post it online - "Day 1 of #soberlife" - you'd be surprised how many people will throw support and love your way.  Go online and find meetings - if you need them.  Join a book club.  Find a church.  Call me if you want!  What you don't do is try to do this alone.

And then, You.  Don't.  Drink.

You go do something after work that has nothing to do with drinking.  Go to Home Depot and plan out an herb garden, clean your house, do your laundry, see a movie, get coffee (I highly recommend decaf), go to a teahouse, go to the ocean, take a drive through the mountains, drive with the windows down and the music cranked.  Go anywhere where there is NO BOOZE!  Hours will pass, and eventually you will get tired and go to sleep.

Then you wake up the next morning, mark a #1 on your calendar.  Yes.  You mark your first day.

my sobriety calendar (I also use it to track how often Domino goes to day care)

Get ready and proceed with the Day 2.  You go to work, you talk to friends, you check in on social media.  You stay away from "trigger" places, invite a friend over for movie and soda, take a pottery class, go for another drive, ensconce yourself in a "safe, alcohol-free zone".   The next day you write a "2" on the calendar and proceed with day 3.

You do this each and every day.  Don't think about the next day - focus on the present.  DON'T think about the what-ifs, you just say "NO" and go without.  You take it day by day and tell yourself to focus on THAT DAY.  Don't get wrapped up in thinking about not drinking tomorrow, next week, or next month.  If you worry about not drinking on vacation, or holidays, or when your family comes to visit, you're just going to depress the crap out of yourself trying to look long term.  Choose to not drink today.  Each.  Day.

FOCUS.  ON.  YOU!

You are totally allowed to be selfish for these first few days.  These are tough days.  But you can do it! You have your support system - use them!

If you go out, order sparkling water (the effervescence mirrors champagne or beer).  Have coffee (decaf) with dessert instead of wine.  Don't sit at the bar. Tell yourself how much classier you are ordering coffee or sparkling water instead of alcohol.  Think about celebrities or people you admire that don't drink and realize you're just as hot and mysterious.  Even MORE so!

I've tried and tried....

It is a hard, hard habit to break.  I know.  Trust me, I know.  I love(d) wine, Napa, wine dinners - I got married at a wine bar!  Meanwhile, I also love(d) beer.  I worked at a brewery; the smell of hops and yeast is like perfume to me.  Sampling seasonal beers was one of my favorite things to do!  I love(d) drinking with my friends...the laughing, the social aspect.  Warm Bailey's and coffee on cold winter nights and ice cold beer at baseball games on warm summer days...I LOVED IT ALL!!!  But when my daily routine started looking like this:  8am -"not gonna drink today"....6pm-"well...just one glass of wine"...2-3 glasses later....8am-"God, I feel like crap...ok, not gonna drink today"...lather, rinse, repeat, then it was time realize that it was harmful than helpful and it had to go.

You can tell yourself that you're not me.  And that's OK.  If you tell yourself you're only going to drink on the weekends and really do pull it off, that's great.  You vow to only drink one glass of wine per night from now until forever - more power to you!  Not gonna lie - I wish I had your strength!

But....

If you wake up each day saying you're going to stop and that evening raise a glass (or three) saying that quitting is for quitters....

It's Not All Rainbows...But it IS a Good Thing

I still see my friends, we go out to bars and breweries!   I have awesome dinners, throw parties, even see my family.  And I can do it all WITHOUT alcohol!

Every day is a new number on my calendar.  I don't want to start all over again, so I don't.
This may not be the answer you wanted.  It's not the answer I wanted at the time either.  But I'm GLAD I quit drinking.  The benefits far outweigh any bottles of beers, glasses of wine, or shots of tequila I could have had by now.  Knowing where my car is parked in the morning.  No hangovers.  Not being "that girl" at the bar.

I've had holidays, family dinners, bought a house and any number of other stressful, enjoyable, celebratory situations without a drink.

And Lunch....?

My friend and I finished lunch that day without discussing alcohol any further.  She had a few more drinks with me, went out with friends that night and had to call a cab to get her home.  I got a text message from her at noon complaining about what an awful headache she had and did I have any suggestions for curing it?

Yes.  Yes, I do.

And I gave my phone "The Look".

The Side Streets Off My Road to Recovery (Day 810)

So here I am at the beginning of the days 800+ on the road to recovery.  I'm still going strong, I'm experiencing more days where I'm happy with my decision than not, and I'm finding myself more and more comfortable in my sober life with each day that passes.  It continues to be a good path that I've chosen; my brain is clearer, I'm better at remembering how nights end, and I appreciate more and more that my house doesn't have that awful smell of stale beer at the end of the weekend.

All in all, it's good to be sober.

This is not to say that there aren't still the occasional bumps in the road.  Let's be honest, if sobriety was easy, everyone would be doing it, right?  But drinking is fun - it's social, it's relaxing, it's tasty.  Trust me; I haven't forgotten about all of the fun parts of the bar scene.  It's not easy to walk away from something that's such an integral part of society.  But when the final call for last round comes in your life, realize that you're not the first to go through it, and you won't be the last (even though you will feel like the only sober person in the world at times).

So I thought I would share with you a few things that I've learned in my travels.  They're not meant to scare you off the path of sobriety by any means; quite the opposite.  And hopefully by reading a little about what I've experienced, you'll feel a little better prepared for the road ahead.

Everyone's Path to Sobriety is Different:

I've said this before, and I'll say it again, your addiction is your own beast to fight.  There is no magic one-size-fits-all recipe to follow when you decide to quit drinking.  Everyone drinks differently, so it stands to reason that everyone will get sober differently.  When you make the decision to stop drinking, you have to also contemplate how you want your recovery to go.  Are you a cold turkey kind of person?  Do you need a support group?  Can you get by with just one or two go-to people helping you out?

Also realize that there are many different ideas about what a sober life is.  There are some some who say no form of alcohol should ever pass the lips ever again - no non-alcoholic beer, no cooking with wine, nothing; the idea being that the slightest whiff of alcohol is enough to put some into a relapse.  Others view non-alcoholic beer as acceptable (provided we're talking 0.5% alcohol by volume - such as O'Doul's) because it still resembles the taste of beer and is helpful in social situations.

In case you're wondering, yes, I have had a few NA beers throughout my sobriety.  Do I still consider myself 810 days sober...hell, yes.  Ask another recovering alcoholic and they may not feel the same way. But it's my recovery, not theirs.  Did one O'Doul's cause me to run to the nearest pub and stick my head under a tap?  Nope.  In fact, it actually helped me maintain a sober life on a few occasions.
There is no cut-and-dry way to approach sobriety.  With a clear mind, truly take the time to think about how you want to tackle your demons.  This first step will go a long way to a long-term recovery.

Don't Get Hung Up On The Finality Of Your "Final" Drink:

"Well, I wasn't thinking about it before, but now that you've put the thought in my brain...," you may be saying to yourself.

It's only fair that I mention it though, because at some point you will think of an upcoming event or milestone and suddenly realize you'll be facing it sober: your 40th birthday, your 50th anniversary, your new home, your new job, on and on and on.  If you get hung up on the drinks that will never be, or lament too much about your last shot - you're setting yourself up to give up and give in.  When I start thinking about vineyards I'll never visit or new brews I'll never get to sample, it can be downright depressing.  But then I remember that I can't remember my last drink; which puts into perspective why I started this journey to begin with.  The milestones will never stop - regardless of if you're drinking or not.  But you can always learn new and different ways to celebrate the occasions, and that will go a long way to making your sobriety successful.

Celebrating my birthday with coffee!

Sugar, Sugar, Sugar, Sugar, Sugar:

I was never a huge dessert person...until I quit drinking.  Suddenly, I was ready to order cake as an entree with pie for dessert! Why the sudden cravings?  When you drink, the alcohol can temporarily raise dopamine levels in your brain.  Guess what else increases your happy hormones?  Sugar.   So if you're a pretty consistent drinker, your body may be accustomed to a certain level of dopamine.  When you suddenly cut the supply, your brain isn't going to just say, "That's cool, we can do without."  No.  It's going to want you to find a replacement, and find it NOW!!!!!   And unfortunately, if you're not careful, you may trade in your alcohol addiction for a sugar addiction without even realizing it.  So when you quit drinking, if you suddenly find yourself craving sweets where you never did before - it's OK and it's not unheard of.

Cake for breakfast is fine...so long as it's not the entire cake!

You May Become Just A Teensy Bit Judgmental:

Don't be too surprised if that raucous, center-of-attention, loudly-laughing person at the bar that you used to love hanging out with is no longer quite as much fun to be around as he or she used to be.  In fact, suddenly he or she has become downright annoying when you're trying to have a conversation, enjoy a meal or watch the game out with friends.  No, it's not your imagination - you have officially stepped into the quasi-elitist Judgmental Zone of sobriety.

You laugh, but it's true.

It's not their fault - just like it wasn't yours.  After all, it's not called "Liquid Courage" for no reason.  Alcohol takes away all your fears and inhibitions. Suddenly you are everything to everyone and beyond.  Until you're on the other side of it.  Then the booze just makes them loud and obnoxious, and unappealing, and clingy, and dreadful.  Were you and your fellow drinkers awesome when you were drunk - hell, yeah!  Are those same people awesome when they're partying away and you're stone cold sober...probably not.  Don't be too hard on them or yourself, just chalk it up to another part of your life you've left behind and enjoy the people watching....

.....from a distance.

I don't remember who sent this to me - just thank the internet

Finally, Don't Be Afraid To Be "The Sober One"

As I mentioned earlier, your life and the milestones in it will come and go whether you like it or not.  As a sober person, eventually you will find yourself in a situation where people around you are drinking and celebrating, and you're standing there with a glass of water or a cup of coffee telling person after person, "No, I don't need a drink...thank you anyway."  Don't worry.  You're not the elephant in the room.  You're not flawed or a failure just because you've decided to live the sober life....

Airplane!  Still funny when you're sober

No matter what the internet tries to tell you.

In fact, you're more self-aware than most people in the room because you've taken a hard look at your life and decided alcohol doesn't need to be a part of it.  Raise a glass of sparkling water and toast your ongoing success!  Embrace your sobriety!  Be proud of it!  At the end of the night, you can still find your car (and be the one driving it home).  You're not juggling money around in order to pay the rent.  You're not waking up with your head on the seat and your hand in a toilet.

...not that ANY of these things has ever happened to me....

Ahh....it's definitely good to be sober!

Two Things, Two Years Later

Today, I celebrate two years of sobriety.

If you asked me two years and two days prior, I'd have laughed at the thought of going so long without a drink.  Why would anyone not want to have a glass of wine with dinner or have a beer and watch the game?  And yet, here I am, two years later, two years sober.

I would love to tell you that I'm always totally thrilled with my decision to be sober.  But let's be honest...that's crap.  I still miss beer...and wine...and vodka...and tequila.

OK...maybe not straight tequila.  Margaritas, however....

I wish I could sit down at a new brewery, order a flight, and enjoy all the flavors and smells and fabulousness that beer has to offer.  I wish I could enjoy a smooth, soothing glass of wine to help punctuate a delicious dinner.  I would love to travel to Napa again, visit wineries and enjoy the earthiness of the grapes growing just outside the door.

The flat out truth is that I can't......so.....I can't.

But if you ask me if I regret my decision to go sober, I'll tell you no, quite the opposite.  The decision to quit drinking probably saved my life.  I may not always like it, but I am thankful every day that I have the strength and perseverance to get through each day without a drink.  But it has made me take a long, hard look at the choices we make in life.  So as I sit here and look back two years, I'm going to share with you a little about what I've learned....

1) Addiction is just a big, nasty, hard habit to break~

Everyone's experience with addiction is different (be it cigarettes, alcohol, food, whatever) - so it stands to reason that everyone's experience with recovery will be different.  There simply is no one cure that works for everyone.   If you're lucky, you'll be able to kick the habit your first time out. Unfortunately, you may have to go through a series of trial and error before you find the method that works for you.  Meanwhile, doctors, friends, so-called experts: everyone will spout all kinds of psychological reasons for why you're addicted, and try to get you to subscribe to their particular brand of dealing with it; and that can be quite intimidating.

You may not want to stand up in a room and talk about your feelings - so you put off breaking your habit.  Not everyone can afford a five hundred dollar an hour doctor blaming your problems on something in your childhood - but that's what you've been told works, so you put off breaking your habit.

Guess what?  Everybody doesn't know you.  Your addiction is your own - and you have to figure out how best to work through it.

I knew I didn't want to be surrounded by strangers, telling my story time and time again.  I didn't want to have to feel badly about the awesome times I had when once I was drinking.  Those were good memories - embarassing, ridiculous, reckless and sometimes incredibly stupid memories...but they're mine, and I embrace them.  I also didn't want to check myself into some center or visit some doctor to talk about my "problems"  Again...my memories.  My stories.  Mine to keep and not have tarnished by some doc's interpretation.

No, I decided that my recovery is just the very exhausting process of breaking a really, really bad habit.....and that's it.  It is a day-by-day process that I have to control.  Sometimes I have to lean on my husband and friends for some support; but in the end, I had to make a conscious decision break the habit in order to succeed.  And habits are hard to break!  Stressful day at the office - grab a beer at home.  Out for dinner - order a glass of wine.  Night on the town - what's one more round going to hurt?  Day that ends in "Y" - there's a drink out there somewhere with my name on it.  All of these events contributed daily to one, big, nasty habit that only I could control or let control me.  And that's been the struggle; finding different ways to deal with daily stress, not ordering wine at a restaurant, finding someplace else to go besides the bar on Friday nights.

I'm not going to lie, some days are easier than others.  I have to be cognizant DAILY of my demons, because it would be just so simple to order one glass of wine at a celebratory dinner, or tell myself that I could enjoy just one cold beer on a hot summer day.  And I won't lie...there are moments where I wonder if I could go back to handling my liquor.  But then I remember the last drink I had (or, at least a vague memory of it) which emphatically reminds me why it is I can't have another drink, and then I freely choose to stay the course.

Addiction doesn't happen overnight - neither does breaking it

2) You have to really want it to really do it~

You've probably seen the commercials on television about helping someone with addiction.  It's great...truly, it is.  There are some people who really don't know they have a problem; so if you can help that person look in the mirror to see what you see, and it forces them to get help, then by all means, do it.

Here's the problem; if that person doesn't want to quit (or is truly not ready to change), he or she is just...not...going...to...quit.  They may stop for awhile, but something will happen - the urge will overtake them one day and they will falter.

I tried to manage my drinking at least a half dozen different ways:  I'll just drink on the weekends, I won't drink alone, I'll only have 2 drinks at a time, or (my personal favorite) - I'll only drink clear fluids.  And inevitably I'd fall right back into bad habits and old ways and be at the bar until closing on a random Wednesday night with half a pint of (dark amber) beer in my hand.

"When are you going to stop doing this to yourself," my friends would half jokingly/half seriously ask me - witnessing yet another exciting hangover.

"I can stop anytime," would be my response.

But I couldn't.

It wasn't until I had a serious Come-to-Jesus moment (which I won't bore you with here), that I realized I had to change my life in order to save myself.  And that memory is what keeps me going each and every single day.  You can't create that moment for people.  You can help encourage it, you can be there for them when they have it, but they have to come to it on their own.  You've probably even been through this in your own life whether you realize it or not.  Take up a new hobby...are you still doing it 6 months later?  Trying to lose those last 10 pounds...are they still off of you two years after the fact?  Smoking, drinking, dieting, lifestyle changes...if you don't really want to make a change, the change you make isn't going to stay with you.  As I mentioned earlier, recovery is about breaking a bad habit; and the only way to stay ahead is to make sure you want that habit broken each and every single day.

Phew.  That was all pretty deep - especially for me.

If you told me 731 days ago that I'd be sober today, I would not have believed you.  But here I am - sober today and hopefully strong enough to stay sober tomorrow. This is probably the part where I'm supposed to say I'm looking forward to my sobriety in the next week, month or even the next year.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves, shall we?  Two years long is two years good enough - for today.  I think I'm just going to sit back and celebrate today with a great feeling of pride in myself, my awesomely supportive husband, and a tall refreshing glass of sparkling water.

If you have a problem and are ready to tackle it, there are many resources available - don't let it overwhelm you.  Start small.  Call a friend, family member or hit the internet to gather more info about your particular issue and take the first step.  I may not have used it, but am still a firm believer in many of the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous.  Check out their website HERE for help. You don't have to go it alone - but you alone have to want to make a change!

Reflections In The Mirror (or...my sobriety, day 592)

Yesterday was a particularly rough day.

It was one of those chew you up, spit you out, and then run you through a wood chipper for fun kinds of days that left me mentally drained, physically exhausted, cranky and depressed.   Add to that a grueling 60 minute-long drive on the freeway with all of my bestest friends, and I found myself just about at the end of my rope.

Trying to mentally pull myself out of this funk before reaching my front door, I caught a glimpse of my tired eyes in the rear-view mirror, and a blinding thought flashed through my consciousness.
"You really need a drink."

As soon as those words left my brain, I immediately recoiled.  "No, I don't.  I'm sober now, I don't need to drink to get through my problems."

But my reflection caught my eye again...and gave me an accusatory glare.

"Y'know...you're not as much fun as you used to be..."

And just like that, the day went from bad to worse.

...and even worse than that...a part of me thought I was right.

When I think back on all of my stories that start with the words "This one night, when we were drinking...," in all those memories, I see myself as carefree and fun.  Laughing and living loudly; everyone was my friend and all was right with the world.  "One more round" was my mantra - "We'll sleep when we're dead" my creed.  Don't get me wrong, I went to work, I paid my bills, I voted...I was a responsible, contributing member of society.  But when the workday was over, it was over and it was time to play.

"You're not as much fun as you used to be..."

When I look back on the days before my sobriety, it's easy to believe those words to be true.  After all, it's only natural to clean up our memories so we remember only what we want.  Even the worst parts of our lives we tend to soften so we don't have to relive the harsh onslaught of raw emotions time after time after time.  So naturally it's tougher to look past the sparkle and shine and see the true reality that lies beneath.  The person I remember as carefree and fun was also reckless and irresponsible.  It's easy to remember the festivities of the night before - but how many of the mornings after have I conveniently forgotten about? And do I really want to remember just how much liquid courage it took to make bad decisions seem like the best ideas in the world?

When I made the decision to quit drinking I knew that I would be sacrificing a lifestyle.  No more wine with dinner, no more beer with football; I came to terms with the fact that I was irresponsible when it came to booze so I needed to make a change in order to be a better person.  I was doing it for my health.  Look how much money I would save.  Blah...blah...blah..the list of reasons went on and on.  What I didn't realize was that walking away from alcohol wasn't just about changing my lifestyle or habits; I also meant making changes to the core of my personality.

And I don't think I was prepared for that.

Being sober has forced me to deal with life directly; true and head-on, without a cloud of alcohol to hide behind or celebrate with.  Before, if I had a bad day, I would just pour myself a glass of wine and let it take me to Don't Give a Crap-land.  Before, if I had something to celebrate, it was drinks at the nearest bar - first round on me!   It's tough not utilizing the easy "go-to" of alcohol to resolve or revel.  And when you're having a really crappy day, the warmth of an alcoholic haze seems much more appealing than unfiltered reality.  And there are days I want to give in so...very...badly.   One drink.  I'll just have one drink.  One drink and I'll be that happy, laughing girl in the bar again.
One drink and everything will be better.

Just.  One.  Drink.

But the problem is, I can't have just one drink.

So instead, I went home to my wonderful husband and my awesome dog, sat in the corner and cried it out for awhile.  I'll freely admit that I was ashamed of my own tears at first, but as the bottleneck of emotion I'd usually release with a bottle of beer drifted away, I was grateful for the release.  As tears subsided, I was finally able to talk about my day.  Sharing with Nick my feelings of disappointment and worthlessness made them feel less powerful, and eventually their hold over me began to wane.  The problems of the world weren't solved in an hour - but slowly the frustration and sadness I felt morphed into serenity and acceptance.

Yes, there are plenty of days where I don't think I'm as much fun as I used to be.  I miss the feeling of being the carefree drinkin' gal I like to think I was.  And if I could be her again without the compulsively reckless and irresponsible shadow tagging along, then chances are I probably would never have had to get sober in the first place.  But the shadow is a part of who I am...the part of me that can't stop at one or two drinks.  And the fun-time party girl antics just aren't as cute at 43 as they were at 23.

"You're not as much fun as you used to be..."

Maybe not...but I'm a better, truer, person to myself than I was.

And that's the person I like to look at in the mirror.